People! Have you ever had the sort of day when you just can’t face the world? When you suddenly realise that your thighs are offensive, your nose is objectionable, your muffin top is a cosmic joke, and that zit on your chin is developing its own personality (and it’s the personality of Nigel Farage?)
Yes? Then you’re having a bad everything day.
We all know about bad hair days, but what to do when that feeling travels downwards from the follicles, encompassing one’s entire being in a monsoon of self reproach and bad leisurewear?
Well, the first thing you need to ask yourself is – am I in a clothing shop changing room? Because as we all know, the mirrors in such rooms (doubtless purchased from a malevolent funhouse) bestow an extra stone on to every sentient being and this, coupled with lighting more suited to interrogation than trying on jeggings, has caused many a person to flee a shopping centre clutching only the tattered remains of their self esteem and a box of reproachful donuts.
So, are you in a changing room ?
Then, are you female? If yes, then sit down, I have some news that might shock you. You’ve got PMT. I know! Crazy, isn’t it? You couldn’t be expected to realise, because it’s only been happening at roughly same time each month for the last twenty years, but you know when you had Tony from sales by the throat because he took the last Malseser? That was PMT! I know! Now, lock yourself in your house for four days with a gallon of Nutella and everything will be just fine.
If for logistical reasons you are a) not a woman, or b) not fond of chocolate spread, I have another solution.
Zentai, since you ask, are colourful, full body lycra suits that are gaining popularity across the world. Skin-tight, they cover everything, including the eyes – like a gimp outfit, but with a zanier colour scheme and without the need for a safe word (which is fortunate, because they don’t have a mouth hole.)
Now you may argue that the last thing an insecure person should do is squeeze themselves into zebra print Spandex and venture out amongst the general populous, but no! According to a Japanese academic, the Zentai suits actually liberate the wearers who “find solace by erasing their outward appearance”, with Zentai fans claiming they like the anonymity and power it gives them.
Well, yes! Just think! Instead of grappling with the thinning hairline, the terminal under-eye bags, the inevitable down-slide of all that is dear to us, we can just slip on the ol’ Zentai suit and lo – we are transformed from inhibited individual to unidentifiable superhero/sex pest.
Except, Lycra? I don’t think so.
So I’ve come up with my own version. It’s a padded, loose fit option, that pulls on over your head, fastens with a draw string, has a handy zip up the side, is available in a variety of colours, and comes with its own carry case.
Okay, okay, so it’s a sleeping bag.
But heavens, it works! I feel liberated! I feel omnipotent! I feel free! Admittedly, I’m getting some odd looks in this café, (at least I think I am, I can’t see all that well) and I’m having a bit of trouble eating my Bakewell Tart but I can tell you, categorically, that absolutely no-one is looking at my thighs.