Bad everything days

People! Have you ever had the sort of day when you just can’t face the world?  When you suddenly realise that your thighs are offensive, your nose is objectionable, your muffin top is a cosmic joke, and that zit on your chin is developing its own personality (and it’s the personality of Nigel Farage?)  Continue reading

I, for one, welcome our new (TBC) Overlords

Having enjoyed Dawn of the Planet of the Apes recently, I’ve been pondering the likelihood of us being taken over by a superior species. A quick squiz at the sci-fi canon shows we’re not short of candidates. Really it’s just a question of who gets there first.

People of planet earth, meet your future overlords:

Apes

“They don’t need power, lights, heat, nothing,” declares one human being of the apes in Dawn. Add to that the way apes will also be able to talk, jump impressively high and wield a machine gun whilst riding a horse and, come the apocalypse, we’re all probably going to feel pretty silly about dressing them in funny wigs to help shift PG Tips. NB. Don’t, whatever you do, call them monkeys.

Aliens

Invading aliens could have any number of biological and technological advantages over us humans –  telepathy, supernatural strength, the ability to go five minutes without checking Facebook. Frankly, we’d be helpless against them. (But at least we’d die watching a panda going down a slide) Our only hope is that, like in the movies, the aliens are stopped by something simple that no-one really thinks about, like water, the common cold, or Keanu Reeves.

Zombies

Mindless, rabid, and not all that great to look at, when zombies claim the world, it will be a lot like getting stuck in town at 2am on a weekend (though with fewer pools of bodily fluids.) Zombies are hard to kill, and not just because they’re already dead. Blowing a zombie’s head off presents an emotional quandry, since these flesh-hungry corpses were once your relatives and friends, your estate agents and your tax inspectors. Okay, maybe it wouldn’t be that hard.

Plants

Bit of a curve ball, but they’ve got form. Remember the Triffids? Little Shop of Horrors? And have you brushed past a nettle recently?  The plants want revenge, for all the murdered Yukkas, for all the slain acres of rainforests, and for the way we glue fake flowers onto little cacti.  My tip? Stock up on weed killer and don’t lend out your strimmer. (And stop talking to them – it only makes them stronger.)

Insects

From Flesh-eating cockroaches to killer bees, and deadly spiders to rampaging ants, insects on the warpath have been the subject many a terrifying B movie and with an estimated ten million species to go rogue, it’s only a matter of time before they progress from crawling into your mouth while you’re asleep to even greater acts of war. Worry not, I have a plan. As soon as we sense the insects rising, we must hold an enormous picnic and when they all come swarming, we’ll smack them with a giant shoe.

Machines

Machines don’t need light, heat, food or a reason. Consequently they’re top of the list for an attempted coup, one run on solar power, manned by robots, and masterminded by Google. The one thing we have on our side is planned obsolescence. Since these days it’s in the DNA of all technology to stop working two months after its warranty runs out, all we have to do is sit tight and wait until their irreplaceable components fail and the earth will be ours once more. Hurrah! NB. As a preventative measure, we should probably destroy Google and replace it with Ask Jeeves. That butler might be useless at answering questions, but at least he knows who’s boss…

 

The evidence is irrefutable: you’re turning forty

tea or coffee

Dear reader,

Does 2002 feel like just a few years ago? Does your GP look like Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years? Does something in your body click? Do you find yourself having to explain references like The Wonder Years? Do you wee more frequently than you used to wee? Do you remember when snaggles of audio tape in the street were a frequent occurrence? Do you only bend down to pick something up if it’s really important, and when you do bend down, is it with a little ‘oof’ sound? Do you say ‘ah that’s nice’ when you sip a hot beverage?  Continue reading