Okay people, it’s DECEMBER.
So, are you all ready for a perfect Christmas?
Hahahaha. Hahahahahah. HA!
Don’t be silly. Nobody has a perfect Christmas. Everyone (adverts) pretends that such a thing exists but really, it’s the stuff of folklore/rampant capitalism. Like Santa Claus. Or Justin Bieber. (Seriously. There’s no such thing as Justin Bieber. Just don’t tell the kids).
Anyway, perfect Christmases are for wimps. Totally messed up Christmases are where it’s at this year. The more FUBAR the better. Find out how well you’re doing by taking part in this Christmas quiz, with one point to be awarded for each of the following catastrophies:
- None of the presents you’ve ordered online turn up. Cue you running around a supermarket at 9pm on Christmas Eve, hurling objects into your trolley a la Supermarket Sweep, except instead of applauding, everyone around you is ramming you violently with their trolley.
- The oven breaks. Your mother in law downs several tumblers of sherry, hacks the turkey into chunks and proceeds to cook it via grill, microwave, and hairdryer. Bonus points if you contract food poisoning by Strictly Come Dancing.
- Someone turns up with a present for you, who you haven’t got a present for. You immediately hate this person.
- There’s a pet-related incident: your dog eats the pigs-in-blankets; your cat wees on the Christmas tree; your stick insect gets mistaken for a Matchmaker; in miming The Hunt for Red October, your Uncle Roy uses your guinea pig as a hat.
- Your boyfriend buys you an ironing board and can’t understand why you’re not thrilled.
- Your father says something racist during Christmas Dinner and you spend twenty minutes wondering whether you are actually, finally, going to punch him in the face. You resist, but appease yourself by spitting in his egg nog.
- Someone who doesn’t usually drink drinks. You don’t notice how bad it is until 4pm when they stand up to go to the loo and fall sideways into the Nativity, crushing baby Jesus and getting the three wise men stuck in their bumcrack.
- Someone tells your five year old there’s no such thing as Justin Bieber.
- Having managed a successful Christmas Day, your car breaks down halfway through a hundred mile trip to see the rest of your relatives. Waiting for the breakdown service in your freezing car, you reflect that, if these people really loved you, they’d have let you stay at home on the couch watching The Muppet Christmas Carol.
- You tell yourself you are never, ever going to put yourself through this again.
Okay, quiz over. How did you do?
0 – 3 points: Oh dear, that sounds like a very dull Christmas, nothing but peace and goodwill all around. Zzzzzz. Next year, why not spice things up a little by getting your sister in law a botox voucher and neglecting to put petrol in your car?
4-7 points. That’s more like it! By now, it’s probable that several members of your family are no longer on speaking terms and you’ve developed a Baileys habit. Congratulations! Have another Baileys.
7 + You are a leader in the utterly messed up Christmas stakes. If it can blow up, fall down or be mysteriously covered in a bodily fluid, it happened to you. You rule! Your prize? Your continued survival, enabling you to do it all again next year.
Merry Christmas Everyone!