Men! Troubleshoot your internet dating issues with the help of this handy flow chart.

Welcome to the online dating flowchart.

If you are a man on a dating site, and are experiencing difficulty connecting with women, simply troubleshoot the problem by answering the questions below: 

Is your profile picture just your abs, but no head? I appreciate a washboard stomach as much as the next girl but for a woman to connect romantically a face is something of a pre-requisite. ( I realise that, were the positions reversed, you would have no trouble meeting up with an anonymous pair of breasts; would, indeed, welcome the lack of cranial distraction, which just goes to prove all that Mars and Venus stuff correct.)

If YES then please be aware that a six pack is not a substitute for a personality.

If NO then:

Is your profile picture any of the following: you in a mask; you posing with some puppets; you semi naked and holding a cat; you, barely visible, in your Toyota Corolla; you asleep, possibly dead; a group shot which makes identifying you like a game of Where’s Wally; just your tattoo; just your iguana; just something you whittled last week; just your pale, naked legs in the bath; you doing something ‘amusing’ that would cause your friends to say, “Oh, that’s classic Jonesie, that!” but which, alas, fails to translate onscreen to a stranger still trying to shake the image of those pale naked legs in the bath.

If YES then please ask a female friend to take a simple but flattering head shot and upload it immediately.

If NO then:

Is your username GudWivMyHandz but you are NOT a dyslexic landscape gardener?

If YES please remove yourself from the internet.

If NO then:

Did you mention in your profile any of the following: your fractious relationship with your ex wife; your innate un-employability; your glue addiction; your collection of soft toys; your suspicion that all women are bunny boilers; your fondness for snuggles; your love of Mumford and Sons; your safe word.

If YES then please attempt a redraft with the above points omitted.

If NO then:

Did you begin correspondence with any of the following salutation types:the overly familiar (“Hi hun, how are you?”); the overly frisky (“You are very sexy!”); the cut-price Eurovision-esque (“Greetings from Leigh ”); the damning with faint praise (“Hello, you look normal”); the stumpingly quirky (“What’s your favourite marsupial?”); the unromantic but at least direct (“I soooo would”) or the frankly unintelligible (“Hi b, kove ur vibe un Chris x”).

If YES then please at least pretend to have read the profile and try again.

If NO then:

Did you labour over a heartfelt, sensitive message and then email it to 100 women?

If YES then don’t. They can tell.

If NO then: Congratulations! You are officially a dateable male on the internet! If you are still experiencing difficulties in receiving messages, please inspect the fickleness of womankind, adjust your hair/waist-line and, if the problem persists, take it up with your internet provider.

Like funny writing about relationships? Hurrah! Then you might like to take a peek at my forthcoming novel, The Gods of Love