Women & internet dating: what not to do

3 shoe

Keen readers will remember that my last column detailed the mistakes men were making in their approach to online dating. This week, let’s redress the balance by looking at what the women are up to.

I’ve compiled a list of common complaints from the male perspective. Women – if your online dating experience has been lacklustre, disillusioning, and/or peppered with pictures of male genitalia, it may be due to one of the of the following: 

Your picture is too ‘sexy’

Note I said ‘sexy’, not sexy (the inverted commas are silent.) Sexy is a sultry smile, the hint of a naked shoulder, a come-hither eye. ‘Sexy’ is pouting into the camera, posing in your wonderbra, and taking that aerial shot that turns your cleavage into the grand canyon. One of these options will get you quality dates, the other will get you graphic descriptions of deviant acts from a regional sex pest called BigBazza. I’ll give you a minute.

Your picture isn’t sexy enough

The fact that you have a wonderful relationship with your adult son is commendable. That he’s sitting on your knee in all your photographs is less enchanting. FYI , other visuals not commonly known for their aphrodisiacal qualities include you snuggling with your cat, dancing with your gran, wearing a balaclava and shooting tequila out of your shoe.

You only communicate in text-speak

It’s gr8 dat U lIk 2 watch movies, go 4 meals out, wlk n d park & snuggle on d sofa. jst try saying it n eng. If it takes a guy fifteen minutes to read your opening sentence, and it isn’t formulated in a witty quadratic equation, then you’re doing something wrong. Minus an extra dating point if your overuse of smileys could cause acid house flashbacks.

Your pictures include your four more attractive friends

An insane but apparently rather common move, not only does this mean that your prospective soul mate has to pick you out of a line up, but when he does finally place you, he’ll forever associate you with a lingering sense of disappointment. Yay, you! Now go find that tequila.

You think all men are bastards

Not only do you think it, you’ve rammed the point home in your profile, reiterated it in your messages, brought it up on your first date, and are thinking of having it embossed onto a T shirt. Not a turn on. Other keywords men find less than enamouring include but are not limited to: ‘high maintenance’, ‘homicidal ex’, ‘ASBO for stalking,’ and ‘Alanis Morissette.’

Your picture is a tad misleading

Have you posted an older, more flattering picture in the hope that guys will ultimately fall in love with your inner beauty? Ha haha ha HA!

Really, no. Only use a profile picture of you ten years younger and three stone lighter if you can handle a rapid starvation diet and have cryogenically frozen your face. Similarly, it’s best not to rely on just one incredibly flattering photo taken from an unrealistic angle unless you’re willing to spend the rest of your dating life addressing potential suitors at exactly 127 degrees north by northwest, in subdued lighting.

And lo – that’s everything Internet dating has taught me thus far. Well that and never trust a man in a poncho. But that’s a whole other column.