Your mother and Meatloaf

2 Winalot

Dear Kitty

I can read my boyfriend’s mind and, frankly, I don’t like it. It all started a month ago when we visited a country park. I suggested we find the deer and he started humming ‘Cavatina.’ 

Since then I’ve noticed a definite link between what he’s singing and what he’s thinking. We’ve had ‘Maximum Consumption’ in the queue for Tesco Metro, ‘I want to Break Free’ after a row about commitment and last night, whilst getting undressed, I swear I caught the first three bars of ‘Hey Fatty Bum Bum’.

Now he’s wondering why I’m giving him the evil eye. Meanwhile, I’m thinking – can I castrate him for something he hasn’t actually said?

Tormented, Dublin.

kitty column pic

Dear Tormented,

We can all read minds if we want to. It’s just a case of noticing the links between the words. So, for instance, when your friend tells you she likes your hair and then says she needs to pick up some Winalot Chunky she doesn’t really like your hair. The reason we don’t practice this skill is that every conversation would become loaded with meaning until you find yourself in the deli shrieking, “I’m perfectly happy with the size of my breasts!” when asked if you want that on a bap or a bloomer.

So, being party to your guy’s internal soundtrack can’t be fun. After all, you may have to accept that your partner has the odd negative thought about you but you don’t want tickets to the musical. But before you lambast him for kicking off foreplay to the Mission Impossible theme tune, be warned: since he isn’t aware that he’s sharing his thoughts you would, in effect, be berating his subconscious, a mere page away in the Control Freaks’ Handbook from castigating his chromosomes and bitch-slapping his aura.

Plus, once he knows that you’re monitoring him he’s likely to catch himself singing mid-flow. Cue you making like Lionel Blair (“Was that ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ or ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’?”) before eventually concluding he’s having an affair from the first three notes of him clearing some catarrh.

Still, you do need to find a solution to the problem before he comes out with anything by The Wedding Present. Here are some options: ignore it (good luck); wear industrial earmuffs (bad look); or my personal favourite, tell him he’s tone deaf. Hopefully he’ll be too mortified to sing out loud again and you need never mention you know he thinks of Meatloaf whenever you mention your mother.

Kitty

My debut novel, The Gods of Love, will be published on 1 February 2018 and is available now for pre-order.