The Dear Kitty Big Valentine’s Watch

Each year as February 14th approaches, we witness the emergence of the Valentine. Frequently spotted in their natural habitat (Clinton Cards, Pizza Express, the supermarket booze aisle) the Valentine’s markings and mating calls vary widely across the genus, though studies have shown almost all Valentines exhibit a strong emotional reaction to the following symbol…

With my NEW no-nonsense guide, discover more about the different kinds of Valentine and where to find them…

The Heartbroken Valentine
The Heartbroken Valentine (HV) was dumped on February 13th and is easily identified by their intoxicated appearance and their propensity for grabbing happy couples by scruff of the neck and screaming: “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S COMING!” before departing in search of tequila. Their discordant cry (‘What an utter bastard; What a complete and utter bastard’’) can be heard far and wide, until the ex sends them fifty red roses and they suddenly remember he’s just a beautiful, damaged soul with trust issues. This cycle will repeat every year until the HV emigrates, the ex dies, or the bees disappear, upsetting our delicate ecosystem and reducing the idea of roses to an urban myth.

The New Valentine
The New Valentine is the most skittish of all the varieties, and with good reason, since the NV is forced to celebrate February 14th with someone they barely know. This throws up a multitude of uncertainties for the beleaguered NV, such as: if you’ve only been on two dates, are you expected/allowed to exchange texts/cards/gifts/bodily fluids? And if so, what level of text/card/gift/bodily fluid is appropriate? It is impossible to say, of course, though NVs are advised to reign in their more excitable tendencies. So that’s yes to a funny card, a cheerful text or the suggestion of a casual drink, and no to surprising your Tinder date with the certificate for the star you’ve named after them.

The Happy Single Valentine
The HSV is honestly, genuinely contented with their life, but try telling their mother/married colleagues/inbox that. After several unsatisfactory relationships, the HSV knows they’ve got loads to offer, and they’re optimistic about meeting someone great one day, but they also know that, like a big ASDA on Xmas Eve, the approach to Valentine’s Day is no time to be re-entering the market. That’s why, when February 14th rolls around, the HSV can be found eating pasta in front of Scott and Bailey  and thanking the sweet baby Jesus they’re no longer with their sociopathic ex. Speaking of which… Continue reading

The relationship mist

pet rockDear Kitty,

In my normal life I’m pretty strong-minded. And, even when I meet a man, I’m still sparky and smart and argumentative and funny. But then I date him for a while, decide that I really like him and BAM!, suddenly I’m queen of saps. I start mooning around the place when I know he’s going to call. I find myself saying, “Well, I don’t really mind,” when he asks what film I want to see. I speak in this special sugary voice I’ve never even heard before. Continue reading

Your mother and Meatloaf

2 Winalot

Dear Kitty

I can read my boyfriend’s mind and, frankly, I don’t like it. It all started a month ago when we visited a country park. I suggested we find the deer and he started humming ‘Cavatina.’  Continue reading