Each year as February 14th approaches, we witness the emergence of the Valentine. Frequently spotted in their natural habitat (Clinton Cards, Pizza Express, the supermarket booze aisle) the Valentine’s markings and mating calls vary widely across the genus, though studies have shown almost all Valentines exhibit a strong emotional reaction to the following symbol…
With my NEW no-nonsense guide, discover more about the different kinds of Valentine and where to find them…
The Heartbroken Valentine
The Heartbroken Valentine (HV) was dumped on February 13th and is easily identified by their intoxicated appearance and their propensity for grabbing happy couples by scruff of the neck and screaming: “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S COMING!” before departing in search of tequila. Their discordant cry (‘What an utter bastard; What a complete and utter bastard’’) can be heard far and wide, until the ex sends them fifty red roses and they suddenly remember he’s just a beautiful, damaged soul with trust issues. This cycle will repeat every year until the HV emigrates, the ex dies, or the bees disappear, upsetting our delicate ecosystem and reducing the idea of roses to an urban myth.
The New Valentine
The New Valentine is the most skittish of all the varieties, and with good reason, since the NV is forced to celebrate February 14th with someone they barely know. This throws up a multitude of uncertainties for the beleaguered NV, such as: if you’ve only been on two dates, are you expected/allowed to exchange texts/cards/gifts/bodily fluids? And if so, what level of text/card/gift/bodily fluid is appropriate? It is impossible to say, of course, though NVs are advised to reign in their more excitable tendencies. So that’s yes to a funny card, a cheerful text or the suggestion of a casual drink, and no to surprising your Tinder date with the certificate for the star you’ve named after them.
The Happy Single Valentine
The HSV is honestly, genuinely contented with their life, but try telling their mother/married colleagues/inbox that. After several unsatisfactory relationships, the HSV knows they’ve got loads to offer, and they’re optimistic about meeting someone great one day, but they also know that, like a big ASDA on Xmas Eve, the approach to Valentine’s Day is no time to be re-entering the market. That’s why, when February 14th rolls around, the HSV can be found eating pasta in front of Scott and Bailey and thanking the sweet baby Jesus they’re no longer with their sociopathic ex. Speaking of which… Continue reading